GQ recently published their list of 29 greatest things of the year. This is my response.
Dear editors and staff of GQ,
Thank you so much for your overt feminizing of masculinity. I usually read your magazine when I sit down to pee. I really appreciate your in-depth articles detailing ten trillion ways to be a total chick. I am writing because of my concern over the lack of two things on your recent list of best stuff of the year. I know that there has been a lot of stuff that has come out recently but I thought you could include estrogen and breast pumps for next year. I am sure there have been some awesome advances in both of those two categories. Something most of your readers would find useful.
Seriously though, I have no idea what a real man would do with an $8,000.00 chair or a floor made out of leather belts that costs $75 a sq ft. I noticed your inclusion of an oven, which I also found ridiculous as I have no idea what I would do with an oven. Real men cook on something called a barbecue with charcoal and fire.
I also take issue with your inclusion of a battery that is a godsend for campers who need to charge an ipod. Camping isn’t for ipods! I’m surprised you didn’t include emo bands and kleenex. People who go camping in $45,000 aluminum campers don’t deserve to be outdoors and should spend more time inside of their condos, paying off their credit card bills or organizing their wardrobes.
Your magazine has perpetuated the softening of men. The turning of us into mother worshipping sissy-boys who need to be coddled all the time by domineering women. My list of 29 greatest things ever would include pocket knives, handguns, beer and the wonder bra. I would include tug o’ war, arm wrestling contests, the Irish and grease. Not the movie, but the product used for lubricating machine parts, nail guns, transmissions, and weight benches.
What ever happened to role clarity and the division of labor? What ever happened to a society where men were men, and women were women? Why is it such a bad thing to have clearly defined gender roles? Men and Women are different, why is it wrong to act that way? Society works better when people know what their part of it is. We are currently living in a unisex society of neutered men who accompany their wives to the mall and worry about their decor, their hairstyle and their furniture. Where we all consume and nobody produces anything. Being a man means tight jeans, leather jackets, and knowing the difference between metric and standard. It means knowing how to fix things, being well read, and drinking scotch. It means playing chess, doing yard work, and knowing how to handle a firearm. I for one am sick of eyebrow plucking, chest shaving, pansies who are afraid of ammunition and calories; who know how to put on guyliner, or can tell you where the closest Potterybarn or Ikea is but couldn’t tell you where to find a good hardware store. What I’d like to read in your magazine is a good old fashioned article on how to build something or an enthralling couple of pages on hammer selection, or about classic sport car restoration or on rugged men who’ve actually accomplished something in their lives. Men by your definition are sockless and leather shoed, soaked in after shave that costs 45 dollars an oz, who max out their credit cards on designer name bags and who “freshen up” after the office or gym.
Metrosexuals are taking over the world at a disturbing rate. I think men need to wake up and start acting like men again. We need to stop being so afraid of what women will think of us and instead focus on being better people who are more productive, thrifty, strong, courageous and brave. One thing I detest about metrosexuals is that they are willing to pluck and prune themselves to be more attractive to women but have totally sold out their brothers. Men have gotten so caught up in chasing women they’ve agreed to be women to get attention from them.
A real man shouldn’t be so caught up in chasing girls. It’s immature and counterproductive.
I’ve coined a new phrase. Macrosexual. A Macrosexual is decisive and isn’t afraid of being so. You could best define it with one word: BANG! In more detail as a man who has calluses and likes it. Listens to music with a lot of bass and doesn’t give a crap about heated leather seats or german engineering. A macrosexual has chest hair and is proud of it and refuses to spend weekends holding his wife’s shopping bags. He isn’t afraid of scars, enjoys fly fishing, beer, and sail boats. Being a man means being kind and respectful to women, not taking advantage of them. It means being helpful but having morals and ethics and sticking to it, being powerful and knowing when to use it and when to not use it. A real man is not self serving and would never betray his values to get some action. Men every where need to put down their nail files and scarves and get into it. It’s time to men again.
